Thoughts on July 25, 12:08 am

the cosmic joke is that we all live in fear of one another, and that we spend all our time energy efforts in protecting ourselves from the so-called dangerous others who pass us moment by moment. Ha. its ridiculous and yet i do fear you, and you, and you. you could snap in a moment, you could strike like a serpent, you could cut me down in one short stab. i could humiliate myself beyond repair, beyond recognition, and you could see it, remember it, remind me or someone else. what would happen if i just said exactly what was on my mind and fuck all the rest and your feelings and your mother and all your bullshit luggage too. i could just say it straight whatever straight looks like to me. and i would be free and nothing would sit collect dust or pools of sweat and tears. it would all be out there in the universe and out of my hands. and would you hurt me or would i be okay, uninjured, unscarred, unfiltered. or would i be an empty ewer that dumped out all my juice without any concern who got it or who didn't. would i be more empty or more full. would i just be an asshole, or would i be honest and brave. would i eat crow later. would i be alone, deserted, unloveable. why is this all so scary. shouldn't being alive be easier than this. our one main job in this life is to stay alive. as long as we are alive shouldn't we feel successful and satisfied. why do i keep looking for meaning when i know that i create it. you are not scary and i am a meaning making machine. thats it. so when do i actually start writing my own script rather than reading others, sifting pieces out for my own story.