All the shadows in the background

promise me.

there is a steady hum inside me just below my heart, in the middle, somewhere between front and back and I cannot make it stop. No positive thoughts, not mind over matter, no distraction can make it listen and shut up and let my muscles and tendons and bones settle down into a natural pace of no where to go and no point to it all, and no shoulds or meaningless meanings.

do i want it to go away or do I just want to say okay that is there. peace. is this how everyone feels when big things are going on and there is the fear of disaster and greatness and responsibility and all of it up to chance and the gods and everyone else in our life. Like balls tossed in the air and all of our hands are raised but we don't know where they are going to land and I seem to be the only one frantically trying to anticipate where when I already know I can't know.

i make pictures and they don't feel right don't look right. I cut them up and make them right but then I feel I myself don't have the pieces in the right order and I can't do the same to myself that I did to the picture. what is getting fractured and is my whole better than anything i could make by shattering it apart and putting everything back anew and different than before.

there are no questions anymore because every statement is a question that could be challenged by you or even myself. possibilities are endless and so i fight to close doors and stay grounded and focused and sane. Real. if I know the ground is beneath my feet then I am safe but maybe it keeps me from flying. But if you fly you don't know where you will come back down and land and I was named after Amelia Earhart and no one knew where she came back down not even herself.

i don't just want to be a legacy I want the whole life and to be there for the others in it. And I want to know when to stop. Like the person who does not know they are full and keeps eating and eating until they are sick and swollen I don't know when to stop. sometimes I don't know when enough is enough or not enough at all. so you tell me because you can make me stop. but still the desire to go remains.

go and go and go and keep running and jumping and turning with an occasional twirl and then a curl into a ball in the fetal position please come and tell me everything will be okay. promise me.